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Don the Mod
18th October 2020, 18:21
...THE LAWS OF PROBABILITY

1. Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-toasted sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking

A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Really... It's true.

I read it on the Internet.

bob9739
18th October 2020, 18:26
Don, funny that, all those rules at some stage of my life have happened to me. I thought it was just bad luck but somebody has actually made a study of it. Sad Twat !

Pat Harley
18th October 2020, 22:31
the one about lines/queues is the one that always works for me. I rarely change queues in the shops,even if there's 10 people in mine and only 1 in the next door one,because that person's card will fail,or the till will break,or they'll just be one of those slow gossipy packers,and all 10 in my old queue will be through before me. Likewise in traffic jams,moving to the seemingly faster line of traffic will just cause it to come to a standstill with my original line passing swiftly by me. Learned to accept my fate in these matters long ago!

Dave Burgess
19th October 2020, 12:22
Fukk the Quacks! If thaz eightin oreight n sleepin oreight, thaz fukkin oreight, especially if tha wekkans up after a neets doss!

bob9739
19th October 2020, 12:24
That's what I like logic that makes sense, cheers Dave !

trubrit2411
19th October 2020, 16:07
There is a Hot Line up to God. He watches me and strikes with his celestial finger every time I am in The Home Depot. He watches real close and then ..... at the check out he makes the person in front of me, a fat owd lady, arguing like fook about 5 cents whose first three cards do not work.

Dave Burgess
19th October 2020, 17:44
Remember in business Tone, the customer is always right, like fukk!

trubrit2411
19th October 2020, 22:18
Remember in business Tone, the customer is always right, like fukk!

Fook the Home Depot Dave. They closed down 65000 Mom and Pop Lumber / Ironmonger stores in The US and Canada and was never able to replace them. Not for quality and certainly not for service.

stephenfrank
20th October 2020, 06:09
Another rule of thumb is, you can lead a good, church-going life. Always help the needy and the unfortunate. Never do anyone any harm or bad-mouth anyone. You get no thanks, but you just shag one sheep and you never hear the end of it.

findlay
20th October 2020, 12:35
Here's another rule of life I've found to be true:
No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Dave Burgess
25th October 2020, 11:11
Am bein punished on a daily basis fer lerrin mi bollox rule mi brain Charlie. Az the "Trouble" sed. "You,re much too old for that kind of thing! Act your age!" A fukkin did!